Closer to Sophia

 It feels like an answer to her call or her answering my call learning this.  I figured it was her or Freya and they are often so interchangeable irregardless, I sometimes struggle to know where one ends and one begins.  But, anyway, I feel very comfortable devoting myself to Frigg as the hearth goddess. And i feel this is a time of expansion in many ways as I begin exploring the sacredness of the home, the concept of sacred ritual within the home and using the home as a temple where healing can happen.  Exploring various herbs, sacredness of words in healing, shamanic/hedge witch aspects.  It all feels very comfortable.  

From my Baltic heritage, the hearth goddess is Gabija who I feared for a while because she will start fires when she is angry and I have a fear of fire.  That is one reason I fear cooking. It is probably important I develop a more trusting relationship with Gabija because this fear can't be good to have between a Goddess and a woman of Baltic heritage who seeks to make her hearth deeply sacred.

In my Slavic heritage are two goddesses and even a god.  Gabija's Slavic Name is Matergabija or Fire Mother (Fire Mother sounds more reassuring, knowing there is a maternal aspect. Maybe I just don't know that about Gabija anditssomething I can learn; I think I'll look into that later on).There is also the Ukranian hearth mother, Bereginia, who is also honored now in that land as protectress of the earth.  I would like to learn more of her.  She sounds like a beautiful energy that would help me grow in many areas that I seek to explore. 

The god comes from the Russian pantheon. Domovoy. Domovoy could manifest in many ways.  Even Mos or my beloved Sweet-Sweets could be manifestations of Domovoy since he can show up as those animals. Michael, Frank or Jackie or perhaps Mociute (all Slavic ancestors) could manifest as Domovoy because he can also manifest as a departed ancestor.  Domania is the feminine name of the deity; I see again here the polarity of Slavic Native Faith when speaking of Feminine and Masculine.

I think I will put an offering on my altar to these deities. Maybe a gift from our walk to Bigelow.

 Learning about my ancestry through a dna test still leaves so many mysteries. Though I have learned I have quite a bit of Slavic dna, it could come from so many places.  It could be the intermingling when Slavic and Baltic lands were shared, part of the migration journey of the earlier ancestors, even from Siberia.  It could be be from Russia or it could be from somewhere like Hungary which might connect me to "the other half of the Saami" I have always felt spiritually and emotionally so akin to.  So many mysteries. 

I used to sit at the internet and wait for answers, maybe an ancestor will truly arrive via ancestry.com or some other avenue or maybe it is through other realms I already have communication in ways I am not yet even aware of.  That is one reason I work on strengthening my shamanic skills. Though I still hold back a bit on actually journeying because of the intensity of the 2018 experiences, I am learning and gathering skills.  And I grow in relationship with my animal guides and other spirits like Vilka. Vilka seems to be point yet again to a Finno-Ugric connection. Hungarian shamanism speaks to my heart deeply like Tengriism did when I first discovered it a couple decades ago through Sarangerel.  

Slowly, I am working up the courage to respond via a return to journeying. I used my drum the other day to aid my wife.  She had pain in her shoulder and I used the vibration of the drum to help the pain in her shoulder. The drum (who, to me, is like Maderakka, the Great Mother Drum, a blend of my living shaman drum and Goddess) was also giving me visions of my animal guides (a mother and daughter reindeer).

I had a teacher I can no longer reach with all my questions. When I first lost my connection with her, I tried to keep a connection through the Light, but it broke my heart because of personal response I received when I reached out during a tornado scare. There developed some personal bitterness and I wasn't sure what to do about keeping a relationship in the Light. So I broke it off. 

Yesterday, some signs came to me. Synchronicities my old teacher used to call them. I finally decided my story of 2018 was hidden as if I should be ashamed. That shame has been stuck to me and I am allowing it to be burnt away from me as if the Light is now a fever, closing wounds and removing scars.  I have lived in the shadows like a criminal and I was a hurt child. The ancestors are teaching me lessons now.  As soon as I open my journal or my heart before I go to sleep, things poor out. I have found healing from various sources, some spiritual, others more psychological (its all the same, every message is from Mother's HeartBeat).  

Maderakka, just as I have been chosen to bring healing to the lineages, Your Heartbeat plays me a song that guides me to self-forgiveness. My Swedish and Norwegian ancestors tortured the Sami.  My Lithuanian ancestors murdered Jews.  My Russian ancestors tortured Lithuanians.

I am given the message in 2018 that I am a healer of the lineages and that I am called to bring peace where there is crossfire.  No sin in that though the job has been tough and even my teachers did not always understand.  

I miss my teacher who I was never able to make amends with. I ask the ancestors if it is time to return to the Light relationship with Her. I do know she is part of the healing of lineages, but I don't know if it is in this lifetime or in this realm at all. I believe it is, but I have reached out twice.  Once ... several months ago when I had near death experiences and hoped to make peace in case I died. 

I did not die.  I suspect she and I have a dna relationship since our mothers lived in the same village.  I don't see many if any results yet to my beloved mociute's side of the family.  I don't know why.  Maybe its how dna tests work.  I just suspect there are many stories I am meant to know and I don't know how to access them, even two years later.  I don't have money. Genealogy has become a costly affair.  I can't even access my mother's October 22, 1993 obituary anymore without paying a newspaper site. Shame on our greedy species.

I had a horrible night searching for it the other night. And wished so much I could reach out to my old teacher. I suspect we share ancestors. Not on my mother's side, but we both share strong maternal bonds...and I missed having someone to share my grief with that night. All I could do was stare at her website.   

The ancestors have work for me to do so I must forget the pain that teacher causes my heart. I am thinking of a Jews harp to call for answers.  I don't know why.  It is often used in Siberia, I believe. I will do my research, maybe I can find some English speaking shamans to tell me if there is a way to call for answers with a Jews harp.  

Maderakka, your heartbeat, your drumbeat sometimes asks me the questions and then sends me searching for answers.